My God!!!!! I created a MONSTER!!!!!

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Sunday, August 18, 2002
Sunday, August 18, 2002


Very strange dreams. Premenstrual, I believe. My menstrual cycle is late and I do not show any signs of starting it? Strange. I went to bed in a shear black negligee type of blouse that I have never worn before. I had thoughts about it being a bad color for me to sleep in but decided it was not really a problem. I woke up at one point during the early morning perspiring and somehow thought it was due to the blouse, so I removed it.

I dreamt of being with my entire family. My birth Mom and birth Dad and my little brother and my little sister and strangely enough, my son. (My older brother John was not there.) The house in which I lived had one particular room, almost like a little den or something that had been made into a guest house. It was very small. I wanted to try to make this room separate from the rest of the house and fly, like an airplane . I can’t remember who was with me, I believe my parents and my son, when I told them and wanted to show them that this room could fly. I first yelled, to the room, to separate from the rest of the house without damaging it. Then I yelled for it to seal itself up tight so we would not be affected by the altitude. The room was suddenly flying but the roof was trying to come off and the walls seemed to be ill fitted and you could see the light coming in from many places. The entire room was shaking as if it would all come apart. It was a bit frightening because I knew we were flying high in the air. *I woke up.

Again I was in a house and wanted to make a room fly. The room was a larger one this time. Much nicer with lots of windows to look out of . My friend from High School (Martha - Kristin Gregorich/Larson) was there with me and I wanted to show her how the room could fly. I asked the room to separate itself from the rest of the house without damaging the remainder of the house. It did so. I asked that it seal itself up tight so we would be safe at the altitude. I thought that it did it. Suddenly the room comes apart from the rest of the house with a little cracking noise and lifts up and begins to fly. Martha and I were looking out the right hand corner of the room. There were two adjoining windows there that were really large. We looked down on what appeared to be a sort of wash or a very shallow in places river that had many people in and around it. The water was brown. We also saw apartment type buildings around it’s banks. I seem to recall them being a tan color like a sort of stucco or adobe. There were balconies and such on the buildings. Middle to lower class type structures.

All of a sudden I felt as if the windows were allowing too much air to come in on us. I yelled once again for the windows to seal up tight. When I did this they actually seemed to become looser and I could then actually hear the air begin to rush in. I looked up at the windows and realized that they had black seals around them and that they seemed to be straining against the seals. I could feel the cool wind rushing in and could feel the walls in the corner being buffeted by the wind. I suddenly had the realization that we were not high enough in the air to need a sealed off environment, so having a completely sealed room was, suddenly, no longer a concern to me. I believe that *I woke up at this point.

*At this time I believe that I realized that I was sweating so I took off the shear blouse that I had worn to bed. At this time I did not realize that I had fallen back asleep at first. I am usually quite cognizant, in some strange way, that I am dreaming. That feeling was lost in the next section of dream time.

I got up to use the bathroom. (I felt as if I were still awake, but I was not) When I got in the bathroom the mirror was all fogged up as if someone had just taken a shower. I could not see c learly in the mirror at first. Suddenly I noticed that someone had taken what appeared to be dry erase marker, colored a dark bright blue, and had written all over the mirrors (there appeared to be 2 separate mirrors), the walls, the door and there were even papers with the blue writing on it. I could not make out any of the words that were written there but it was written in cursive hand writing. I realized that the second mirror, to the left of the first, was a milky etched type of mirror. Strange. I suddenly looked in the mirror, which was clearing a bit and noticed that I was wearing a cheap clear plastic shower cap on my head. I removed it and realized that my hair was wet and had been dyed blonde. (as if I were still in the process of dying it) My hair had been cut very short and was very coarse in texture. At this point I got the feeling that the writing was from someone who was sort of obsessed with me. It was as if it were a very long love letter or something, but obsessive. I saw myself bent over the sink and took a step back to look at myself in the foggy mirror and noticed something dangling between my legs. I put my hand down there and felt a very small penis! I was horrified and this is the first instant that I realized I was dreaming again. I turned to leave the bathroom and go back to the bedroom. I had felt as if I were awake and all this strangeness was unnerving me. I believe this made me *wake up once again.
**Now I realize that the bathroom I was in was very different and much smaller than my actual bathroom. I only have the ONE mirror.

But I soon went back to sleep and continued the dream. I was suddenly sexually aroused and wondered what it would feel like to masturbate my penis. I wanted to watch myself in the mirror. I went back to the bathroom and my penis was now very large and bulky. It was a purplish color. It filled my hand in it’s limp state. It was very thick. I began to pump it with my hand. I could not get my hand to slide on it and was just stretching it as I pumped. I did not feel any sensation other than my initial mental arousal. I noticed, with slight horror that the penis was opening on the end and appeared to have something inside of it. I was suddenly disgusted with it and (realizing now that I am dreaming) I wanted my own vagina back so I ripped the penis off of my body. It came off and I could see the bloody flesh dangling from the end that had been attached to my body. It was still extremely large. I was still aroused and now wanted to use the penis as a dildo to masturbate myself. Despite it’s bloody purple state I was still turned on by it. I tried to arouse the penis to erection but it did not respond. I then went to put it in my vagina when I noticed in the mirror that I now had a huge bulging vagina on my chest! It covered my entire chest and had black pubic hair and was very red, as if it, too, were bloody. It, the vagina on my chest, was obviously also in a state of arousal. Although I was, once again, horrified, I ignored it and kept on trying to insert the large limp penis that I had torn off my body into my vagina. It remained limp and would not go in as I wanted. I remember seeing my own vagina in the mirror also, the large one on my chest suddenly gone. I became angry and disgusted with the penis and turned to toss it in the toilet. I had a feeling that it would just dissolve in the toilet water. The water was full of something pinkish and opaque already. I tossed the bloody penis in and it splashed a bit of the water up which splashed me on my lip. I was horrified but just wiped it off. It was if I had just tossed a piece of raw meat in there. I recall very vividly the way it fell into the water with a gross splashing sound and disappeared in the opaque and sickly looking water. I was still aroused and decided to attempt to grow another penis, which I intended to remove from my body to use as a dildo. I began rubbing my body (my stomach or abdomen I think) to try to make another penis when I realized that there was someone in the bathroom with me. I felt someone touch my left arm and noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a very pale arm. I ignored the person and was actually a little annoyed I think. Suddenly the person grabbed me and turned me to him and gave me a passionate kiss. I realized at that moment that it was a larger framed man, taller than me. I did not see details but I noticed that he had very dark hair. His kiss was very sweet. I loved the way it felt and tasted. I forgot about the penis and now just wanted this man’s attention and further kisses from him. After the initial kiss, he would not repeat it. He would just put his lips in my mouth and hold them there with no real movement. I tried to have sex with him but he would only position his body over mine in the right position but would not do anything. He would not move or go through the motions even. I tried to move his hips but he would not move. I wanted him badly, but he would not respond to me. This confused me because his kiss had been so passionate and even loving but now he rejected me. I believe that *I woke up once again.

I wanted to get up for the day but, once again, fell back to sleep. This time I was looking for sexual pleasure from a mysterious place that grew penises and mouths from the ground. (I look for such places time and again in my dreams, sometimes I find them) I somehow ended up in some kind of factory. I do not know what they did there but I somehow ended up there. It was very dark and dirty and also very red?? I wanted to get out of there because I knew that what I was looking for was not here. I noticed several pieces of heavy equipment which were being run by several different men. One of them was a very large truck type of vehicle. I tried to catch hold of it to get a ride out of this place but missed it and ended up walking away some how. The next place I remember being in is some sort of field. I seem to think that the ground will yield pleasure to me but it turns out to be incorrect. I am suddenly in some pale sandy dusty type of dirt. There is a woman there who is giving some sort of class. Suddenly the soft sandy dusty dirt (pale tan in color) has built itself into a very large pile. I watched it grow. It is crusty on top and soft within. I think that what I desire is on the ground beneath it so I jump into it and begin to burrow down in the sandy soil. I suddenly realize that I have made a mistake. I hear the woman saying something along the lines that ‘we’ (there are other women in other piles of sandy dust) are to stay within this sand for a period than we will be cleansed or healed or whatever. I do not like this thought so I make a mad dash out of the sandy dust pile before I reach the bottom.
My search for sexual pleasure continues. I am still looking for that place. It is often times in the water so I look for water. I find a stream and feel that it will be in there. The shallow water is brown. I begin walking along the stream looking at the bottom for signs or waiting for the feeling that tells me that it is the right place. Suddenly, there are many people and children in the water playing. It cannot be here because I must get pleasured in private so I am frustrated but continue on. I suddenly see that the stream splits off into 3 directions. One goes to the left, one in the middle, and one on the right. There are still many people and children playing, wherever I go. It seems I go on and on and on without end. Seems like an eternity. I choose the right hand stream. I notice that it gets really deep up ahead. Thus far the water is very shallow. Maybe 4 feet at some deep spots, otherwise just wading depth. There is a boat up ahead and no more people so I really want to get to that spot because I feel that I will find my sexual pleasure in the deep water. As soon as I see the boat up ahead and the desire hits me to go try that spot, *I wake up. I finally arose for the day at this point. Too much sleep!